Bookfail: World of Weird Books » Guy Montag

Walter the Farting Dog: Banned from the Beach

Guy Montag — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 11:46:04 +0000

Walter the Farting Dog: Banned from the Beach by William kotzwinkle (Amazon)

I didn’t realize that teaching young kids not to poot in public warranted a literary sub-genre. In fact, “Walter the Farting Dog” is a series of children’s books — I could count at least 10 — which includes a Spanish language translation. Makes wonder if there is a lot of money to be made in authoring fart humor…

Don’t let more of these fart humor books pass you by (grab them before they dissipate, or something!):

Street Boners

Guy Montag — Wed, 26 May 2010 02:28:35 +0000

Street Boners by Gavin McInnes (Amazon)

The ostentatiously titled Street Boners is actually a picture book of NYC hipster fashion that’s going on sale in just 2 days. Written my magazine maven and fashion critic Gavin McGinness, this edition is sure to contain multiple fashion fails, as well as wins.

Related reading – The Mullet: The Hairstyle of the Gods, and Knitting With Dog Hair: Better A Sweater From A Dog You Know and Love Than From A Sheep You’ll Never Meet

I Want My Foreskin for Giftmas

Guy Montag — Sun, 02 May 2010 23:13:15 +0000

I Want My Foreskin for Giftmas by Carl J Schutt (Amazon)

Circumcision is as much a medical procedure as the removal of pinky fingers would be if it was practiced in hospitals. We’d soon start seeing studies showing lower incidence of jammed fingers, fractures, and broken fingernails. We’d also have many four fingered men touting the safety benefits of playing basketball “pinky-less” and claiming to be able to play the ukelele “just fine.” And we’d have people defending parents’ rights to cut off their children’s fingers for cultural, religious, and medical reasons. [Source: IWMFFG]

The Worst Baby Name Book Ever

Guy Montag — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 03:28:13 +0000

The Worst Baby Name Book Ever by David Narter (Amazon)

The ~~Best~~ Worst Baby Name Book Ever – I am not sure what audience exactly this is intended for. One thing’s for certain – if your last name is Sporn, it won’t matter what you name your kid. [Source: 101 Weird Books]

More odd books: Raising Smart Kids for Dummies and How To Raise Your I.Q. By Eating Gifted Children

Jewish Pirates of the Caribbean

Guy Montag — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 01:47:20 +0000

Jewish Pirates of the Caribbean: How a Generation of Swashbuckling Jews Carved Out an Empire in the New World in Their Quest for Treasure, Religious Freedom–and Revenge by Edward Kritzler (Amazon)

On behalf of Bookfail, as well as Jewish buccaneers Moses Cohen Enriques, Sinan “the Great Jewish Pirate” and Samuel Palache, I’d like to wish you all a happy Hanukkah! You can read more about this, and other uncanny books about pirates in my 10 Unexpected Books About Pirates post.

Reading A Book For All The Wrong Reasons

Guy Montag — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 08:25:55 +0000

Get a Grip on Physics by John Gribbin (Amazon)

Does the end justify the means? If your answer is yes, then I wish Tiger Woods had a different book with him during the night of his recent accident. Perhaps a copy of The Testicle Cookbook would have been more appropriate, since that’s pretty much what is going to happen to him next.

Instead, the book found and photographed in the wreckage of his SUV was a “tattered copy” of Get a Grip on Physics, an obscure general physics almanac written by a university professor, which has since surged to bestseller status on Amazon, going from a measly 396,224 to a ranking of 2,268 within days. Do people really think it holds the secrets to Tiger’s (golf) game?

Via styoyster.

Sweet Jesus, I Hate Bill O’Reilly

Guy Montag — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:14:07 +0000

Sweet Jesus I Hate Bill O’Reilly by Joseph Minton Amann and Tom Breuer (Amazon)

The world can be such a dull and drab place – sometimes I wish there was more exuberance out there, the kind that’s evident in Sweet Jesus I Hate Bill O’Reilly. Perphaps a tv show entitled “Aren’t You Tired of ‘So You Think You Can Dance?”

Via sweetjesusihatebilloreilly.com.

Shitting Pretty

Guy Montag — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 00:55:55 +0000

Shitting Pretty by Dr Jane Wilson-Howarth (Amazon)

It’s time to pick up right where we left off, and this time it’s all about bathroom humor. Shitting Pretty is not only a wonderfully daring play on words, but is also written by a real doctor (unlike David Praegger). It is also, apparently, chock full of advise. This is straight from the review section:

I just wish someone had given me this book before my last trip to India where I caught jardia. I like to think that this book may have helped. I had to bribe a bus driver to stop the bus in open country near Jaipur, but couldn’t perform under the bemused gaze of about 50 Indian travellers. When I got back on the bus my bowels exploded when the bus hit the next pot-hole in the road and I soiled myself. If that was not enough, half an hour later I vomitted on an elderly woman sitting next to me who had until that point been polite enough not to mention the horrendous smell. I’ll remember to pack this book next time I travel in the hope of avoiding a repeat of this ghastly experience.

27 of 28 people found this review helpful, and my hope is that you will too.

The Big Coloring Book of Cocks

Guy Montag — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 22:24:36 +0000

The Big Coloring Book of Cocks by Morgan Hastings (Amazon)

Pornogami taught us the secret of creating giant penises from paper. The Big Coloring Book of Cocks takes a two-dimensional approach. Hey, at least this coloring book is not available for the Kindle.

[Via if it's hip, it's here]

10 Unexpected Books About Pirates

Guy Montag — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 02:58:13 +0000

Did you know that September 19th is International Talk Like A Pirate Day? Yes? No? Either way, here are a few reading assignments that will help you prepare by teaching you about the pirates’ vernacular, their relationship status, and among other things, their Jewish connection.

Before there was an Urban Dictionary, all you had was Well Blow Me Down: A Guys Guide to Talking Like a Pirate. Written by John “Ol’ CHumbucket” Baur and Mark “Cap’n Slappy” Summers, the founding fathers of Talk Like a Pirate Day, this book is an essential guide for anyone planning to celebrate this day with any kind of “Pirattitude.”

If Blow Me Down is an abridged version, The Pirate Primer: Mastering the Language of Swashbucklers & Rogues is the full and unabridged pirate dictionary. Weighing in at 480 pages, this tome promises to teach everything there is to know about the “world pirate language,” including pronouciation, grammar and syntax. Expect to also learn various pirate drink recipes, forms of torture, and 44 definitions of “Arrgh.”

Forget Jack Sparrow or Captain Hook. Think Moses Cohen Enriques, Sinan “the Great Jewish Pirate” and Samuel Palache. Jewish Pirates of the Caribbean: How a Generation of Swashbuckling Jews Carved Out an Empire in the New World in Their Quest for Treasure, Religious Freedom–and Revenge examines the effects of the Spanish Inquisition, and the ensuing Jewish diaspora on the trade dynamics of the New World, and the role jewish sailors and financeers had in the golden age of the privateer.

Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition: English Sea Rovers in the Seventeenth-Century Caribbean takes a scholarly look at the reality of life in all male society that a 17th century pirate ship presented. There is talk of burly seamen, whale blubber rubdowns, and gripping tales of adventure. So was the pirate life a safe harbor for gays facing persecution elsewhere, or did it promote a culture of pederasty and exploitation? You decide.

While the previous work is somewhat likely to appeal to a decidedly homosexual male audience, Booty: Captive Women on a Pirate Ship is written with the straight male in mind. The straight male that calls his women ‘lasses’, and prefers them powerless, and at his disposal, that is. This piece of salacious literary porn will have you daydreaming of luring your unsuspecting ladyfriend onto the lower deck of your pirate ship, pinning her against a bulkhead, and watching as she helplessly succumbs to the ebbs and flows of your murky seas. Oh, you’ll make her wish Talk Like A Pirate Day came twice a year!

Thirsting for more pirate knowledge? Here are five more books to feast your eyes on:

Pirates Don’t Change Diapers by Melinda Long and David Shannon
The Government Manual for New Pirates by Matthew David Brozik and Jacob Sager Weinstein
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Pirates by Gail Selinger and Jr., W. Thomas Smith
The Pirate Dictionary by Terry Breverton
How To Speak Pirate: A Treasure Chest of Seafaring Slang by Geordie Telfer